Why Am I Left Behind?

I've been on hiatus from writing for the past few weeks as I've been walking through the most difficult season of my life to date. Most of you probably know that my husband was killed in a car accident on May 31st. It was dreadfully unexpected as most accidents are and I have been left here in the wake of the aftermath trying to make sense of it all. The days pass quickly and are filled with emotion and tears. Yes, I said tears… who knew that the Scorpion Crusher could cry after all?

The few months before Robert was taken from this life have not been easy to say the least. I haven't blogged about it because some things in life just shouldn't be laid out for all of cyberspace to read. We separated in February and were going through what was turning into a very painful divorce for both of us. Over the past 13 days I've dealt with more emotion than I thought was humanly possible. Hermione Granger (for all you Harry Potter fans) once accused her friend Ron of having the emotional range of a teaspoon when he said to her "someone can't possibly feel all of those things at once, they'd explode!" Well, guess what Ron? You can feel a thousand different things at once and not explode even though you might want to.

The biggest thing I've dealt with is guilt. I keep questioning that maybe if I'd done things differently he would still be with us. I've laid awake many nights wondering, "Maybe this really is all my fault." In these dark times I'm fortunate to have good people around me and the smiling faces of my two children to pull me through.

My sister sent me an email this morning to encourage me after a long conversation on the phone last night. It was a verse from the Psalms. "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:16b

God knew of Robert's accident long before we ever separated. His days were numbered and held securely in the hand of the Father before Robert was ever even born.

I don't have an answer as to why all of this has happened. I may never know. I am however certain that God knows and that He has a plan for me and the kids. Last year I lost a couple of very dear friends and at their funeral someone said, "I don't ask God why He took them, but I ask Him why He left me behind."

One thing I've learned is that we are not guaranteed tomorrow. Live life today and love those around you as if it's the last day you'll ever spend with them.

Thank you to everyone for all of your love and support! I could not do this without you!