This is the way...

Yes, I know I’ve been pretty quiet lately. I’ve refused to blog because I’ve refused to write anything that would just depress the hell out of everyone. Let’s face it; my life hasn’t been a big ball o’ sunshine the past couple of weeks. However, I feel as though I am making a turn and that the road ahead is looking up. So, tonight I’m back on the blog front.

I still haven’t made much sense out of the recent events of my life and I’m coming to grips with the fact that Robert’s death will never make any sense – at least not in this lifetime. The only comfort that I have found is being able to look back over the past year and clearly see that even though we were all blind sighted by this tragedy, God wasn’t. He knew that Robert’s time with us was coming to a close and He had begun preparing us all for it long ago.

When my good friend Eric died suddenly in a car accident last February Robert and I really began to consider life insurance. Up until that point, we only had a small $20,000 policy and naively believed that this was more than sufficient. Well, guess what folks? The funeral and burial alone was $16,000. Yes, I know I’m over sharing some personal info here, but I truly believe it is important. PLEASE listen to me. If you don’t have life insurance, especially if you have kids, DO NOT WAIT another day to get yourself covered. Even though I’m not (by any means) sitting on a pile of money as a rich widow, I can’t imagine having to worry about getting food on the table for my kids while dealing with all of the ups and downs that his death has brought. Hopefully you will never need to use it, but trust me, life insurance is one of the most important, selfless and beneficial things you buy for your family.

The most comforting thing that I can see in hindsight is Robert’s growing relationship with a God who knew that Robert would be in His presence soon. Our dear friend Brenda wrote this in a memorial to Robert days after he was gone and I want to share it with you.

These last few months were especially challenging for Robert personally and as a result he had begun to desperately depend and recognize God in a new way. Robert was a man that God demonstrated his unfailing love to until the final moment He called him home. I believe God was working with Robert these last few months and I believe that Robert began to personally know a loving God. I believe Robert is with Jesus and for the first time Robert is embracing the abiding comfort of a merciful and faithful God who was faithful to complete what He had started in him.

I’m not a preachy kinda girl. I don’t get on a religious soapbox very often but Brenda is right. Robert accepted Christ into his life when he was 15. So it is not cliché when I say and believe that Robert is in a better place. I KNOW he is. Was he perfect? Nope. And he’d be the first to admit it. But thankfully we don’t have to be perfect, we just have to have faith in the One that makes us perfect in His time. Because of this, my kids can go to bed every night and think of their Daddy in heaven with Jesus and it helps them rest. Oh to have childlike faith again…

I was reminded of a great scripture tonight. It comes from Isaiah 30. It says, Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it." I am reminded that even when I’m lost in confusion and my body is racked with exhaustion from the journey there is someone behind me that clearly sees the path and all of the obstacles and pitfalls along it. He doesn’t choose the car accident, but He sees it ahead and directs my path through it.

OK.... so it was only mildly depressing. ;-)

Why Am I Left Behind?

I've been on hiatus from writing for the past few weeks as I've been walking through the most difficult season of my life to date. Most of you probably know that my husband was killed in a car accident on May 31st. It was dreadfully unexpected as most accidents are and I have been left here in the wake of the aftermath trying to make sense of it all. The days pass quickly and are filled with emotion and tears. Yes, I said tears… who knew that the Scorpion Crusher could cry after all?

The few months before Robert was taken from this life have not been easy to say the least. I haven't blogged about it because some things in life just shouldn't be laid out for all of cyberspace to read. We separated in February and were going through what was turning into a very painful divorce for both of us. Over the past 13 days I've dealt with more emotion than I thought was humanly possible. Hermione Granger (for all you Harry Potter fans) once accused her friend Ron of having the emotional range of a teaspoon when he said to her "someone can't possibly feel all of those things at once, they'd explode!" Well, guess what Ron? You can feel a thousand different things at once and not explode even though you might want to.

The biggest thing I've dealt with is guilt. I keep questioning that maybe if I'd done things differently he would still be with us. I've laid awake many nights wondering, "Maybe this really is all my fault." In these dark times I'm fortunate to have good people around me and the smiling faces of my two children to pull me through.

My sister sent me an email this morning to encourage me after a long conversation on the phone last night. It was a verse from the Psalms. "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:16b

God knew of Robert's accident long before we ever separated. His days were numbered and held securely in the hand of the Father before Robert was ever even born.

I don't have an answer as to why all of this has happened. I may never know. I am however certain that God knows and that He has a plan for me and the kids. Last year I lost a couple of very dear friends and at their funeral someone said, "I don't ask God why He took them, but I ask Him why He left me behind."

One thing I've learned is that we are not guaranteed tomorrow. Live life today and love those around you as if it's the last day you'll ever spend with them.

Thank you to everyone for all of your love and support! I could not do this without you!